I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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