I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
