My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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