my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
