My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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