I wanna bring you to show and tell
I need to stop coming to work sober
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
