guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
