So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
