he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
