does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
