I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
