Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
