My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
