Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize