tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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