mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
