there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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