What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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