Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
