There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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