I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
