is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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