I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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