his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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