he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
