Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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