i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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