I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
