fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize