Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
