I'm going to jail i love you
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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