I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
