I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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