hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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