Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
