well I can't set my house on fire every night
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
