I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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