I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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