Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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