mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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