Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
