I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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