Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
