Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize