you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
