hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
