Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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