dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
