I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
