i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
