It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
