i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
