She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
