I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
