what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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